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By Eric Koeppel —

Please note: the following is a satirical article which contains only opinions rather than factual information,” writes Stoutonia’s award-winning satirist Eric Koeppel as he shakes his head in disbelief at how often his intentionally exaggerated articles are still misconstrued as true, factual news reporting. He takes a long sip of an appletini and ponders the meaning of the universe for a moment before he continues typing…

Due to the recent denial of a Student Tech Fee request made by Stoutonia, the University’s student-run news source has decided to use Microsoft Paint for creating all visual elements in the paper from now on.

Towards the end of the fall semester, the kind and courageous folks at Stoutonia placed a request for new cameras to replace the obscenely outdated ones that are currently gathering dust in their office. That request was declined on the grounds that not all students will have access to the cameras.

“Hmmm,” said Koeppel as he gently stroked the majestic goatee he grew over winter break. “If only there was a way that we could somehow use these cameras to produce something that all students actually will have access to… something that can somehow be inserted into the paper and onto the website, both of which are readily available to all students… something visual… something that rhymes with ‘shmictures.’”

Koeppel still hasn’t figured out exactly what it is these cameras can be used for that would service the entire student body, but he can picture it in his head. Regardless, upon hearing the news, the folks at Stoutonia have been feeling discouraged to say the least.

“Morale just kind of took a nose dive after we all found out that we would have to spend another semester taking pictures with these fossils,” said Stoutonia photographer Lori Cough as she lifted a camera so old that it can only accurately be described as a prehistoric paper weight. “I mean, I guess we could go through the effort of constantly checking out cameras from the library, or creating graphics and illustrations with PhotoShop or Illustrator or something, but it has become pretty clear to us that a platform that showcases the student voice is a bit redundant these days.”

The publication’s team of skilled and underappreciated photographers has decided that it is only appropriate to start using the most effortless method for creating visuals in existence: Microsoft Paint, a laughably outdated program that can only be used to produce similarly laughable images comprised of clumsy lines, circles and squiggles.

“Lines, circles and squiggles, man; that’s all we really are anyway,” Cough muttered as a tear rolled down her cheek. “I mean, no pictures is one thing, but it’s only a matter of time until we need new computers. What happens if we are denied our request for new computers? What will we use to deliver the news and voice our opinions? Over one hundred years of providing a free service to the Stout community would all go to waste. Wouldn’t that just be horrible? And what will become of our beloved ‘Cutie of the Week’ segment? Oh, the horror!”

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