DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical)
Every gym has at least one. A person who completely ignores gym etiquette while simultaneously endangering themselves and everyone around them, also commonly referred to as “that guy” or “that girl.”
Buck McMacho, aka University of Wisconsin–Stout’s local “that guy,” herniated a disk last Friday during the end of his CrossFit workout.
CrossFit is a program that incorporates elements from other sports and exercises while ignoring the proper form and safety measures that are usually included in them.
The workout started just like any other for McMacho. He entered the Health and Fitness Center and began talking to people about the “good word of CrossFit.”
“I just like to make sure everyone knows that I do CrossFit and that they are dumb for not doing it too,” McMacho said.
After being ignored by pretty much everyone, McMacho claimed a bench rack and threw 225 lbs. on the bar without any warm up sets. He got under the bar, dropped it violently onto his chest and drove it back up while flailing his legs and grunting loudly.
“Buck is the reason I wear headphones in the gym,” seasoned lifter Jared Montgomery said.
McMacho followed this bench up with half a dozen pointless exercises before readying a deadlift bar. He put 315 lbs. on the bar, yet again skipping all warm up sets. McMacho bent down, making sure to keep his legs locked to put all the pressure on his back.
He hoisted the weight off the ground and let loose a boisterous yell so that everyone would hear and look at him. About halfway through the lift, McMacho heard a pop and felt pain shooting up his back.
“At first, I thought that was just what happened when you lifted an awesome amount of weight,” McMacho said.
The pain persisted for the rest of the day, which prompted McMacho to see a doctor. The doctor advised him that he had a herniated disk and should refrain from lifting for at least six weeks. McMacho was seen in the gym again the next day.
“I don’t really believe in western medicine. A little herbal tea and quinoa and I’ll be fine,” he said confidently, “plus, there’s no brakes on the gain train.”