Ryan Cook —
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
– Now is the time to invest! Buy some stocks, get some bonds and please consider funding my band’s new Kickstarter campaign.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
– The strange buzzing sound in your ear might seem alarming, but don’t worry: the bees that have made their hive inside your head want nothing but the best for their new home.
Gemini (May 20 – June 20)
– Soon you will be approached by a mysterious stranger, which is a metaphor for the unknown. You will then be stabbed with a knife, which is a metaphor for a knife.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
– You never know who’s going to be posting bad pictures of you online, but you can beat them to the punch by embarrassing yourself personally before they have the chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
– Time may heal all wounds, but try telling that to the young boy in the hospital who you will run over with your car.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
– Did you hear what your Scorpio friend said about you? This week they will finally get what’s coming to them, and it’s about damn time.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
– Later this week you’ll spontaneously drop everything and drive across the country. You might want to reconsider that decision, but it’s not like we can stop you or anything.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
– Be careful around that Virgo friend of yours, as they will soon be convinced that you have wronged them. Try to carry a weapon on you at all times just in case they snap.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
– A remedy for your condition exists, but it requires several foreign tools that you’ve likely never seen or heard of before. Like soap, or deodorant.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
– Feeling lucky? Something good may happen if you try being positive and reaching out to others, but there’s also the chance that you’ll be struck by lightning tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
– A new level of soundlessness will be discovered during the next open mic after you work up the courage to perform your stand-up comedy.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
– Don’t worry about any embarrassing actions ruining your chances of running for President, as the future United States of China won’t have one anyway.