Cam “Secure the Bag” Parrucci – 

Aries – For some reason, it seems as though your true calling is going to be Civil War reenactments. Good luck, I guess.

Taurus – Winter has returned! Take your student loans and get a nice Patagonia jacket for the season. It’s drip or drown out here.

Cancer – As the most popular member of your friend group, it’s important to realize that it’s up to you to start the next big death cult.

Leo – Live a little bit! Next time you watch a movie, watch ONLY the nude scenes!

Virgo – Your past will come back to haunt you after a video of your horrible French accent surfaces during your presidential run.

Libra – Depression will hit you in full swing once you realize you will never be as in love as much the guy who wrote Ocean Avenue was.

Scorpio – Fame will hit you like a ton of bricks when you become renowned as the person who survived a ton of bricks falling on them.

Sagittarius – Remember, deny, deny, deny! The blood pouring out of your nose during an important work meeting is just a stress-induced hallucination.

Capricorn – The age-old tactic of putting things under the rug won’t work as well when a dead elephant shows up in your apartment.

Aquarius – Your weekly board game night will end in disaster after you decide to play Monopoly with real money and spend your student loans.

Pisces – Spend your next paycheck on nothing but V-Bucks in Fortnite. You’ll be broke, but broke in style.