Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): We all know you’ll never answer your phone anyway, but please—FOR THE LOVE OF GOD—do not pick it up when it rings on Sept. 18 at approximately 2:13 a.m. Don’t do it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Upset that your roommate isn’t cleaning up after themself? Push all of their stuff into a pile on their side of the room and angrily stare at them when they come back from class. Say nothing (this step is crucial).

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Who needs to pay attention in class when you can daydream about finally being swept off your feet by Edward Cullen and living out your eternity of vampire love together at last… GOD.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Please tell me the next time you decide to move your really cool boyfriend Spike that you met last week in Florida into our very small two-person college home.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): End your summer by unfriending your best friend from high school and no other old classmates on Facebook because you’re jealous that she has friends now and you don’t and also you’re the worst and bullied all my friends and were mean to me since we were twelve years old, Samantha!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Tired of being called two-faced? Fill the void by purchasing all seven Harry Potter novels and pretend that it’s 2009 back when you had friends.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): The school year has started. That means it’s time for your first scheduled mental breakdown of the week. Be sure to plan ahead and schedule next week’s breakdown in order to get ahead this semester!

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Stop telling everyone that you’re a Leo. We get it. You’re amazing. Everyone loves you. We understand.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): It’s Virgo season! Get ready to celebrate by shutting yourself up in your room and never talking to any of your friends ever again!

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Having trouble making decisions? Practice by choosing between Taco Bell and Taco John’s every day when you wake up. Literally anyone could do that.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Stop it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): If you’re confused why you keep making your friends cry, maybe stop calling them worthless every time you find a dirty dish in the sink.