Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): If you want your plans to become dictator of the Seven United Continents to work, maybe stop telling everybody about your step-by-step agenda.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Hating pumpkin spice doesn’t make you ~different~. It makes you a friendless spoil sport.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): We. Get. It. You just so desperately need to be in a relationship. Lucky for you, I know the perfect guy. My roommate met this really cool guy named Spike in Florida two weeks ago.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your really cool boyfriend Spike that you met two weeks ago in Florida told me to tell you that maybe if you stopped changing the topic from his childhood trauma to your new hair color, he would have stayed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your status as a Master Level Procrastinator™ is not something to be proud of. Change your ways before that sink turns into a radioactive cesspool.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Please—PLEASE—stop your pro-Gemini agenda. What a Gemini move… Everybody loves hating on your sign. It’s fun. Quit ruining our fun, you stupid Gemini.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Trying to get rid of your status as the local crybaby? Practice by thinking really really hard about J.K. Rowling’s Twitter daily. Once even that doesn’t make you cry, you’ll be such a master at suppressing your emotions that not even your thousand dollar Harvard-trained therapist could get a single tear out of you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Just because you’re wearing a jean jacket does not mean that Jessica and Derek have to change out of their jean jackets. It’s a fashion trend. Not a personality.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The Career Conference is coming up! Maybe (just maybe) if you get a job, losing every single friendship in favor of being one of four students to ever do the reading will finally pay off.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Instead of trying to stop your friends from ruining their lives, grab that fold-out chair, kick back, and watch them from a distance instead. Somebody (you) has to beat everybody out in the job market throughout the next few years.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): No.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Next time you decide to send a passive aggressive email to your project partner, make sure you haven’t CC’ed the entire class.