Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Please, please, PLEASE put that stupid muffler back on your car. I am literally BEGGING you.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): We all want to know how you’ve managed to stay at school after flunking at least two classes a semester. What is your secret? Who is your contact? Wanna hook us up?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool boyfriend Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple weeks ago doesn’t understand why you care more about the garbage fire that was Game of Thrones than his sick new look.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Want to improve your impatience? Try driving down that street through campus during passing time at least once a day. Eventually, you’ll become so desensitized to waiting that not even the 90-minute wait in the MSC lunch line could stop you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Every time you walk out in the middle of the street without looking, do you think about how much that ambulance is going to cost you?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Your dentist wants to know why you’re not picking up your phone. Are you okay? Are you okay? Please give us money! Are you okay?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Isn’t it strange that all of your high school classmates seem to be married with kids? Show them how it’s done by eating your feelings and being filled with that existential dread of “no one will ever love me!” That’s way more relatable anyway.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You haven’t talked about yourself in maybe three and a half minutes. Are you alright? Do you need to sit down?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Tired of being called boring? That’s fine I guess, but it’s not like we can do anything to improve that. Sorry?

Libra (September 23 – October 22): It’s still Libra season! Have you figured out how to celebrate yet? Probably not.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Go away.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): I’m going to be real here: I’m running out of creative ways to call you mean. Just like your friends are running out of ways to convince themselves that you’re still worth their time after you stole their air conditioner (again).

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