Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Just because YOU think that your best friend’s career as an Instagram influencer isn’t going to work out doesn’t mean that you should tell them. Let them dream!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Don’t listen to the haters. Your Naruto cosplay is the perfect Halloween costume… you’re beautiful. 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool boyfriend Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple weeks ago is super concerned that you’re going to give into peer pressure, vape once and die.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Spike from Florida that I met a few months ago… your relationships are not all about you. Consider how Pisces must feel every now and again before running crying to me.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): That pile of clean laundry sitting at the foot of your bed you did a week ago isn’t going to put itself away.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Yesterday you told me that you were Team Edward… Today you tell me that you are Team Jacob… Please make up your mind! I can’t take this anymore!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Your “talent” for being able to cry on demand isn’t a skill. You’re always on the brink of tears. I know your secret.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Happy Halloween! Your time for wandering bar-to-bar, searching desperately for new friends that can tolerate your ever-ending need to be the center of attention has begun.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Stop telling me that TikTok is the new Vine. STOP.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Falling in love with every person that talks to you may not be the… healthiest decision.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Leave.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): I’ll say something nice to you this week. The internet says that you are a… “philosophical.” There.

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