Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): We know that you’re stingy. We get it. But please, PLEASE just go to the grocery store and buy some food before you starve.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): That time you got blackout drunk and stole a street sign is something you probably don’t want to be sharing around with strangers.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool boyfriend Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple weeks ago told me that you are engaged. ENGAGED? You met in September!!!

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Stop typing your symptoms into WebMD! It’s just a headache, not cancer!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Remember that one time you DEFINITELY DIDN’T ignore me for a full year when we were in the same city and then DEFINITELY DIDN’T get really really angry with me when I stopped trying to contact you even though you never responded to any of my efforts and also you wouldn’t let me hang out with my other friends and then I ignored you and you threw a fit, Samantha? Yeah, me neither.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Here’s a little tip for next school year: Don’t buy that gym membership. You will use it once.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Maybe if you stop falling in love with everyone that so much as talks to you, you wouldn’t be so upset all of the time.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): When I asked you to help me pick out an outfit, the response I’m hoping to hear is NOT, “Thank God.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Good thing you have commitment issues because with how boring you are, no one’s gonna wanna date you anyway.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You believe you are the mom-friend, but these past few weeks of horrible decision-making proves to show that YOU are the one in need of mom-ing. Please go talk to a Virgo.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Gross.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Resist the urge to get that “Team Edward” tattoo on your arm. Resist it.

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