Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Remember Hyde from That 70s Show? That’s you.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): It’s Aquarius season! Celebrate by telling everyone you found a really good Norweigan folk band that they’ve “probably never heard of before.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool fiancé Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple months ago told me that you adopted two dogs while he was visiting his family for a week without telling him… Why? Would you do that?

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Maybe watch some 2000s Disney Channel Original Movies, and then you’ll calm down.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Don’t even bother buying that planner this semester. We both know that it’s not going to get used.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): I bet you were that kid in high school that shoved everything into their backpack despite owning 1000 folders, weren’t you? How’s that going for you in adulthood?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Repeat after me: “Iced coffee is not a meal. Iced coffee is not a meal!”

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Really liking cats isn’t a replacement for a personality.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You’re the human embodiment of the Star Wars prequels. Take that as you will.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Have you ever noticed that literally everyone’s mom is a Libra? Basically, what I’m saying is you’re destined to be a mother. You cannot escape this path.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Disgusting

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The next time you wonder where all your money went, maybe consider that Taco Bell isn’t something that should be consumed every single day.

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