Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): How does it feel to get a Christmas gift as your birthday present? Not good I bet.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): How does it feel to get a Valentine’s Day gift as your birthday present? Not good I bet.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool fiancé Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple months ago told me that I only write these horoscopes as an excuse to be mean. I think you should break up with him.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Do I really need to write your horoscope this week? You’re basically just a discount Leo.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): We should make a drinking game for every time you make your friends cry.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): How did you go to the cities for a single weekend and come back with three new piercings and a wrist tattoo?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Happy belated Valentine’s Day! I would’ve talked to you sooner, but you’ve been asleep for a whole week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The stars are saying that you need to stop telling everyone about that one time you had pink hair two years ago.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Having a significant other isn’t a replacement for a personality.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Tired of having a meltdown every time someone asks you to choose between Domino’s and Toppers? I don’t know how to help you there. The answer is obvious.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Yuck.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): I think the fact that you’re compatible with Scorpio says everything I need to know about you as a person.