Written by: Robert Timmler
Aries: You will start a family band that will tour across America, bouncing from county fair to county fair. The band will be a success until your bass player and brother, Ted, decide to leave the band to start a solo career. Ted will come back at the last minute, the band will come back together, and the show will go on.
Capricorn: You will be faced with a hard choice of picking between world peace and a burrito. The burrito will be beef with shredded cheddar cheese, black beans, hot sauce, and nacho cheese drizzled on top. Choose wisely.
Virgo: The roads ahead will be dangerous, but you will receive help from a scarecrow, a tin man, and a lion.
Taurus: A robot disguised as a 1997 Chevy Nova will magically appear in your driveway at midnight when the moon is full.
Libra: An Egyptian god will curse you to always have sand in your pants and a rock in your right shoe. Why did you eat the scorpion!?!
Sagittarius: A radioactive pebble will hit you in the head and give you a splitting headache. The headache will only last a day.
Scorpio: You will gain the power to speak with squares. Your parents will still be disappointed with your live choices.
Ophiuchus: The monsters under your bed won’t return your Gameboy and fruit snacks until you give them their Rubik’s Cube back.
Aquarius: Zeus isn’t going to answer your phone calls anytime soon. Use a messenger pigeon, crow, or raven instead.
Pisces: You will have to fight your long-lost relative who has come back home to take your throne and then the world. Everything will work itself out in the end.
Leo: Your left shoe will likely be lost for days, but that won’t matter when you lose your right glove at the dump after losing an arm-wrestling match to The Weekend.
Cancer: You will find all the answers in your Big Mac, but questions will arise in your fries. The large cola is just a large cola. Duh.
Gemini: You will be sent back in time to stop the assassination of President Lincoln and you end up bumping into your great-great-great-great grandparents. This will lead to you having to make your great-great-great-great grandparents fall in love at the under-the-sea dance, save President Lincoln, and make it to the DeLorean in time to be teleported back.