By Ryan Cook —
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
– Don’t think anyone is fooled. Laughing loudly at your own jokes doesn’t make them any funnier.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
– You will be known for many things, but you never thought that “Person Dies After Choking On Hotdog” would be one of them.
Gemini (May 20 – June 20)
– Ghosts might be real after all, as within the next few days you will be visited by the spirits of your disappointed ancestors.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
– Take a break this week and don’t worry about all those assignments that are due. After all, none of it will matter after you get arrested for arson next year.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
– You’ll gain several new Twitter followers in the near future after stealing several jokes that you found on the internet. Who knew it was that easy?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
– Looking for love? Well, so is your mailman. Perhaps there is more to your relationship than both of you think.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
– The stars recommend avoiding your friends this week, as there must be something wrong with anyone wanting to be friends with someone like you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
– Your friends will soon come to the realization that all of your stories about being friends with President Obama actually aren’t true.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
– Thankfully, that one weird person in your class doesn’t want to date you. Unfortunately, they totally would’ve been willing to donate that kidney you’ll be needing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
– Some of your childhood interests will re-enter your life this week, to the detriment of all your relationships. Turns out no one wants to associate with an enormous manchild.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
– The valentine that you sent to your crush recently will be all the proof that they need to finalize that restraining order.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
– It’s no mere coincidence: they are avoiding you. But to be fair, they’re only following the advice the stars gave them in their own horoscope. The stars would be sorry, but that’s just business, baby.