DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical)

Michael Hilliger-


Though most of us recall Jimmy Neutron as the goofy, cartoon kid from the Nickelodeon series, the true story behind his origin is replete with scandal, drama and blasphemy.

On Dec. 15, 2001, an unidentified aircraft (UFO) was spotted flying over a military air base and was promptly ordered to be shot down. When officials investigated the craft, they discovered that it was piloted by a young boy named James Isaac Neutron, who claimed to have built the vehicle alongside a robotic canine named “Goddard.” Neutron was promptly arrested at the scene, and his aircraft was seized for further investigation.

Despite intense interrogation procedures, officials could not determine the origin of the robotic canine. All questions were responded to with a wild, nonsensical shout of the phrase “Gotta Blast.” With all communication seeming futile, Neutron was locked in a small janitor’s closet, where he would remain until he chose to cooperate.

However, Neutron was smarter than the military had anticipated. By using handy items such as a paperclip, he was able to build a makeshift communication device to broadcast a public message over television stations within the state, demanding his rescue. When the military refused to release Neutron from the closet, hysteria ensued in the form of mass protests.

A citizen from the local area said, “I hear him on TV every night, saying how he yearns to blast, but cannot because he does not have sufficient room within the closet to blast. I can’t believe that our military would prevent a child from blasting. It’s the worst thing to ever happen to this country.”

A trusted conspiracy theorist who was contacted over Yahoo Messenger said that the military never officially stated what Neutron’s so-called “blasting” actually is. “[Neutron] would shout ‘Gotta Blast’ repeatedly without any clarification of what it actually meant or what he wanted anyone to do about it. He would also shout variations of it, such as ‘Brain Blast.’ In retrospect, both of these declarations seemed to have no purpose, but they sounded cool nevertheless.”

Before Neutron’s broadcasts could be distributed on a national level, the military intercepted them, edited them and turned them into a children’s cartoon series in a shameful attempt to hide the truth. This is what most people have seen.

An official statement from the military regarding the scandal follows: “All accusations that we are holding a child named James Isaac Neutron captive are completely untrue. However, speaking for myself, I can say that Jimmy Neutron is one of my all-time favorite TV shows. Sometimes, when I am alone, I pretend to be Sheen, and I dress my dog up in tinfoil and pretend that he is Goddard.”

Clearly, the military is lying. The public will not be taken as a fool. James Isaac Neutron was more than a brilliant boy genius. He was a child, one who had a chance at life, but to this day, remains trapped in a closet at a military base, unable to blast.

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