Horoscopes

contributed by Ryan Cook

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

      You will wake up one day in a cold sweat, with vivid memories of a dream you had involving your cousin. As hard as you try, the images will never go away.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

      The urge to change your major will be strongest this week, thanks to the Golf Enterprise Management department’s recently performed ritual.

Gemini (May 20 – June 20)

      A mysterious stranger will tell you an important secret soon. But don’t feel too special; the NSA already knows what it is.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

      Money spent this week will return to you tenfold after you’re convinced to rob a bank by your eccentric best friend.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

      A cloud resembling a car will appear to be a sign to finally buy a car of your own, but it’s really just an omen that you’ll be hit by one soon.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

      They can all see through your charade. You’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows that you’re really the highly acclaimed method actor Daniel Day-Lewis.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

      While practicing for an upcoming presentation, you will realize that you’ve had it in you all along and don’t need to actually practice at all.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

      You’ve never believed in the supernatural, at least not until this week when a goat-man steals your wallet.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

      The fear of people talking about you behind your back is realized when you discover all the notes about you they’ve written on your back over the years.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

      You’ll come up with a new catchphrase that one day kids will repeat without having any idea of what it means.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

      Be wary of people with whatever characteristic you deem unpleasant, because your attitude shows no signs of changing whatsoever.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

While stargazing, you’ll discover a new planet. Or so you think. It turns out that many people have seen the moon already, so you’re a bit late.

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