Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): You will become the nation’s foremost expert on antidisestablishmentarianism. You don’t know what it is, but you can use this to make low-budget Netflix documentaries and make big money.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20): If you ever stay up to 2 a.m. and you really want to start working on something you haven’t done yet, please go to bed. It’s late. Nine times out of 10, you’ll have plenty of time and energy tomorrow.

Aries (March 21 to April 19): You’re going to make things very funky soon, whether that means funky music, or your funky odor will be determined by your actions today.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Use your head. Literally. Your skull will solve any problem that you can think of.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): A wizard may come out of the void and fix all your problems with just a flick of their wand. And we use the word “may” here to avoid responsibility if it doesn’t happen!

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): You will be gifted with the ability to remember your past lives. You even remember your previous horoscope from this publication.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): You will wake up to a pineapple pizza party in your dorm.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22): You will realize that there are some unctuous people in your life. That they’re being oleaginous to you, even obsequious. You should try calling them out on how much of a toadying sycophant they are.

Libra (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22): Despite everything, you can still accomplish anything you put to mind to. Whatever hardships you’re facing now, just remember the friends who care about you deeply. I have full confidence to your ability to achieve your goals for the school semester and life.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): Chillax! You’re fine!

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 to Dec. 21): You will get arthritis five years from when you read this.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 18): It will snow on your birthday. And if it doesn’t, we’ll steal the snow from other countries and dump it at your home.