Are you lucky? Don’t forget to check your horoscope today!

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): Expect your mom or dad to call you at three in the morning to go back home and rake the leaves in your front yard.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20): If you hear a knock on your door, answer it only if you really want to. It’s the royal army of the distant planet of Ainotuots! The spirit orb is waiting to be claimed from a deadly alien race, the Skalktoids! You’ve been enlisted into their army immediately. Prepare for basic training!

Aries (March 21 to April 19):  YOU’RE WINNER! U WIL PAZZ EVERY CLAZZ IN YOURE SEMESTRE.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20):  You will drink an unsatisfying lager beer and feel mildly disappointed for the rest of the night.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20):  Your Thanksgiving will be the first Thanksgiving in your family history to be not awkward or embarrassing for anybody.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22):  You’ll run into a strange old lady who will grant you the incredible power of foresight. You already know what your next horoscope for this publication will be.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22):  The worst person you know is going to do something embarrassing soon. I’m personally working out a plan with the boys right now.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22):  The Queen of England is back with a vengeance! She knows you had it out for her that one time in that one game of Big Buck Hunter Pro at that pizza place! She’s going to come out of the grave and sail across the Atlantic, just to play it again, this time in real life, and with no deer, if you know what I mean.

Libra (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22):  You will find a penny on the floor. Life is good.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21):  You will find a tooth on the floor. Life is bad.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 to Dec. 21):  Oh no! The beast is upon you! AHHHHHHH!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 18):  Among your friend group, you’re going to become the sole expert about an oddly specific and niche topic that no one else cares about. Whatever it is, just remember not to worry because yes, they do give out college majors for that.