Stout is asking students living in CKTO to evacuate the residence hall on Wednesday, Nov. 6, following a report from the Wisconsin Department of Health Services (WisDHS). In an official statement from DHS representative Wiff Smesson, he states “We were performing our normal yearly review of the chemicals Stout keeps in its laboratories and were requested to inspect the dormitories. We were alerted to a 1’ by 1’ synthetic towel used for cleaning dishes in the public kitchen. It smelled like a combination of dish soap, beef ramen, and general decay. A chemical analysis showed trace amounts of pneumonia, Ebola, coronavirus, scarlet fever, and black mold.” The towel has since been declared a biological hazard.

“The towel was left crumpled up and wet in the sink for the whole summer,” said the CKTO janitor. “That’s how the smell and diseases stuck around for so long.”

Student leaders are asking for solutions from local non-profits. We normally would just perform a controlled burn on this to destroy it,” said a crew member of the local Conservation Corps, “but we can’t because it’s synthetic, and it would pollute the air and land.” Another crew member was quoted as saying, “We can’t kill it, but it’ll probably kill us.”

At least one student is currently in the local Mayo Clinic being treated for toxic fume inhalation exposure. They are not expected to survive.

To quarantine the towel from the building, Chancellor Katherine Frank has enacted a scheduled lockdown of CKTO, set for Wednesday at 2 p.m. while a NEST (Nuclear Emergency Support Team) team removes the towel from the campus. “Students should be allowed back in immediately after the NEST team leaves, “ said the RA of Tustison Hall. An anonymous student living in Tustison was quoted as saying of the evacuation, “Bruh, this sucks.”