Movie review: “Jupiter Ascending”

By Barbara Young —

“Jupiter Ascending” was exactly the kind of movie I was hoping it would be: awful to the point of enjoyment.

The Awful:

My Twitter account can attest to the ridiculousness of many of the scenes, but overall the movie just built up a big ‘end of the world’ scenario and didn’t deliver with well thought out supporting ideas and plot elements.

Granted, the film had the ever gorgeous Channing Tatum paired with the stunning Mila Kunis, but their supposed romance develops seemingly overnight, and with very little chemistry between the two actors, it just didn’t work.

The story is that of a poor immigrant girl, Jupiter Jones, who, over the course of the film, comes to find out that she is the inheritor of the earth. This comes about in a strange way as she is the reincarnation of an ancient alien (not really alien because apparently humans are actually aliens) who owned the earth. However, she will have to get past each of the ancient alien’s children who either want to just be friends, get married or kill her. It seems there were a lot of pent up emotions with the previous mother. All the while she has the attractive Caine Wise, a wolf/human ex-soldier (for what army, we never find out, as the only semblance of a government throughout the entire movie is an unnecessary DMV legal system obnoxiousness scene) by her side fighting to keep her safe for some unknown reason.

Additionally, the movie has dozens of characters. There is Jupiter and her 10 person family, Jupiter’s random rich friend, Caine and his ex-soldier buddies/crew of friends (the elephant man who can’t seem to speak is my favorite) and each of the siblings with their direct minions and all of the sub-species that serve them. Oh, and we can’t forget the bounty hunters. Each sibling has a set of bounty hunters. So like I said, the movie is a mess of characters.

The Enjoyment:

The film was surprisingly high quality. Someone put a lot of time and effort into designing the sets, costumes and space ships. While I mentioned above that the plot was a mess, it was the kind of mess that is just hilarious to watch. Plot hole after plot hole gets explained away in a very obvious and one line explanation that doesn’t actually fix the hole but just places duct tape over the top of it.

Also, I’m a sci-fi nerd. I love space ships and weapons that do things no one understands, so a part of me couldn’t help but enjoy this movie. If that isn’t your cup of tea, stay away. You’ll just be in agony throughout the entire 2 ½ hours. That is, unless you enjoy an awkwardly hairy Channing Tatum who looks as though he’s anemic. I won’t judge.

The final enjoyment factor comes in the form of Eddie Redmayne, who plays the main villain of the movie, Balem Abrasax. Redmayne, who recently stole the show as Stephen Hawking in “Theory of Everything is too good of an actor to be in this movie. He knows it too. His villainy is over the top and hilarious. He goes from whispers to ridiculous screaming, and it just makes you want to giggle.t

Rating:   Stab Needles in your Eyes    Wait for Netflix      Rent it     See it soonish     WATCH IT NOW!

 

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