Today, a spokesperson of the Government of the Russian Federation announced an unconditional surrender amidst the removal of the Russian flag from the Memorial Student Center at the University of Wisconsin-Stout. 

 Russia attempted to shield the news, but through various avenues, the information made its way throughout Russia. Reports of widespread mutinies, mass-surrenders, escalated domestic riots against the war, and a great deal of treason and upheaval in the government are coming in with greater frequency and legitimacy. 

When asked for a comment, the President declined, but the Russian Press Secretary said, “We believed we played our cards so strategically that we could not be defeated, our plan was airtight, but we could not have anticipated this condemnation and we certainly cannot weather it.” 

The flag removal comes after the Russian declaration of war and subsequent invasion of Ukraine. Stout leadership assessed their options carefully and deployed this critical hit against the Russian war effort. This was not an easy choice, however, as military manufacturing contractors are considering suing for financial loss as an early end to hostilities could prove injurious to their stock price and executive vacation packages.  

A local strategy analyst commented, “Many Americans believe that the government supplying Ukraine aid and placing economic sanctions on Russia are enough, however, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Those do very little in comparison to the overwhelming damage dealt by symbolic boycotts. Although it is claimed to be unrelated, Disney’s removal of Anastasia from Disney+ was one of the other most deadly blows to the Russian war effort. 

A number of entertainment, adult film, fast food, designer fashion, sweets, and credit card companies have announced boycotts on Russia as well. Some have criticized the move, concerned that it may lead to Russia becoming more productive, intelligent, healthy, and financially independent than the rest of the world due to the void of vices.

The only thing needed to defeat Russia now is condemnation in the form of Reddit posts, Instagram comments, Tweets, and Snapchat stories. Users who change their profile pictures to the Ukrainian flag are to receive high honors for their brave and meritorious service to the free world and international community. 

In other news:

Belgium declares neutral on Russia

France surrenders; unclear why or to whom

Germany promptly redacts troops from Poland, apologizes citing “force of habit”

Report: Americans very concerned their starting team includes Italy and Germany

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