By Connor Dahlin —
On August 32, locals were shocked to see a gleaming silver vessel hovering over the longstanding trademark of Stout, the Bowman Bell Tower.
“I was just hoping they weren’t going to lay the tower to waste. First, Stalker ruined our budget and God help us, now these aliens threaten my already neglected salary” said a disgruntled professor.
Oddly enough, our Marketing Coordinator, Erek Willner, was on the scene. He incessantly volunteered to hear the demands of our extraterrestrial overlords but the head of Janitorial staff quickly shot down this request. He claimed, “Nobody can climb the stairs of the Bowman Bell Tower without professional training.” He went onto say, “It’s super scary, the stairs are rickety and he could slip!”
Erek cried. He really wanted to see if the aliens would help him with distribution of the Stoutonia for the coming year. If only he could put a Stoutonia bumper sticker on the ship, that would be great advertising.
As everyone remained motionless staring up at the idle saucer, the locals started to speculate about the origin and purpose of its presence. “I bet they’re from Pluto!” said a lackluster Hospitality major. “You idiot! Pluto doesn’t have an atmosphere! They’re clearly the reptilian shape-shifters that have been on Earth since before the Sumerians. I bet Barack Obama is up there alongside the Queen of England and that one weird guy I met at Burger King the other day,” said one of the stray construction workers laboring on Harvey Hall.
“Maybe they’re downloading our databases in order to collect our knowledge,” chimed in a Computer Science major around to play video games all summer. “What knowledge? How to mold plastic or make sure people feel comfortable in a hotel? Retorted Erek.
After bickering a bit longer, the ship started to land on the boardwalk between Bowman and Harvey Hall, ruining the bricks previously laid down. Just in case anybody was wondering why we now need a whole new boardwalk.
The ship opened up and out walked former Professional Communications and Emerging Media Department Chair, Matthew Livesey. “So that’s where he’s been all this time,” the just now arriving casual latecomer and former Stoutonia Chief Copy Editor, Jace Johnson exclaimed. “Amazon has really upgraded its shipping”.
Livesey assured us that all was well and that he was just stopping by to pick up some cheese curds. Surely enough, a few of the Wisconsin born locals already had some in their pockets and hastily handed them over. Livesey thanked us and went back into his ship to share the sacred Wisconsin curds with the transcended beings he hangs out with.
The saucer slowly rose and violently shot out into the distance. “Where do you think they’re headed?” Erek wondered. “I think they’re headed to the Brainerd area for some good tater tot hot-dish,” Jace replied.