“Tell my girlfriend Emma Stone that I love her and please, for the love of God, make sure that my award-winning satire column lives on forever!”
These were the last words ever spoken by Eric Koeppel, the most handsome and influential student in University of Wisconsin–Stout history. Koeppel, famously known for his “BREAKING NEWS” column in Stoutonia, passed away on the eve of Sunday, April 26 while attempting to rescue a pregnant woman who was trapped under a pile of motorcycles on Main Street.
“I remember being completely trapped underneath that pile of Harleys thinking ‘my God, this is it, I’m a goner,'” said Mildred McPizza, the woman who Koeppel admirably risked his own life to save. “Then all of a sudden I see this stunningly beautiful man effortlessly lifting motorcycles over his head two at a time and tossing them into the lake. When he finally reached for my hand I realized that it was local legend Eric Koeppel, and I just couldn’t believe it! I thought I was dreaming; it was a miracle!”
Shortly after saving the woman’s life, Koeppel collapsed to his death due to what doctors are calling “a tragic overdose of total awesomeness.”
“I guess Eric was literally just too cool for this world,” reminisced Stoutonia’s Editor-in-Chief Barbara Young as a tear rolled down her cheek. “Sure, he may have rattled a few cages with some of his articles, but in the long run he just brought so much joy to all of our hearts.”
“I think I’ll name it Eric,” said McPizza as she pointed to her unborn baby. “Even if it’s a girl.”
Aside from constantly saving lives and founding a highly inspirational and downright hilarious satire column in Stoutonia, Koeppel was also known for his Pulitzer Prize-winning classical compositions, multiple gold medals in Olympic downhill skiing, discovery of an extinct breed of super-turtles that pre-date the dinosaurs and being the first human being to do a switch 180 frontside kickflip on the moon.
UW Stout planned to honor Koeppel’s accomplishments with an eight-foot tall life-sized statue next to Harvey Hall. However, due to Scott Walker’s proposed budget cuts, the university can now only afford a Han Solo action figure that kind of looks like Koeppel if you squint hard enough.
“We should all remember Eric Koeppel for exactly what he was: a brilliant man with a heart of gold,” said former editor-in-chief Grace Arneberg. “I will always remember this famous quote of his: ‘you miss one-hundred percent of the shots you don’t take’… Oh wait, nevermind, that was Wayne Gretzky that said that.”
It truly is a shame that Koeppel will not have the opportunity to publish one last epic satire piece before he was supposed to graduate in May. If there is one thing he loved more than anything it was making people laugh with his witty articles… and then replying to angry messages sent to the Stoutonia Facebook page telling him that he is bad at his job and that he should be fired.
“Some people are probably going to be pretty upset about this one,” said Eric Koeppel in a fake interview he had with himself about this totally fake article that some people are inevitably still going to misinterpret as real news. “If there is one thing I have learned from making fun of stuff for the paper on a bi-weekly basis all year, it’s that some readers just don’t understand the concept of humor. Sure, a few may see my using this column to jokingly fake my own death as distasteful or wrong, but those are probably the same people who have been taking my totally satirical articles way too seriously all year anyway, so screw it!”