Cam Parucci-
A tragedy has befallen UW-Stout today, as one of our own has been put into a self-induced food coma to avoid returning to school.
Freshman John Jenkins has been in the coma since Thursday and shows no signs of improvement. After returning home on Tuesday, Jenkins spent time with his dog, friends and family until Thanksgiving. After realizing how much he had missed everything about home (his dog, especially) Jenkins decided he didn’t want to return to stress, group projects and his roommate who listens to terrible music.
And so, unfortunately, he has not returned to Stout. On Thanksgiving, Jenkins ate heaping plates of rolls, turkey, stuffing, and potatoes. Plate after plate was piling up with food. His grandmother had this to say, “Well, John is a growing boy. I didn’t think anything was wrong as he ate more and more. Thanksgiving always was his favorite holiday.”
Once the meal was done and the pie was gone, Jenkins retreated to the couch to close his eyes. At first, no one noticed anything wrong. Everyone was sleeping, as is tradition for a post-Thanksgiving meal. But as everyone left, John never woke up.
Jenkins continues to sleep, showing normal vital signs. Rumors of brain scans show he may be dreaming of lakes of gravy, but the rumors are unproven.
Members of group projects and classmates with Joel was are “pissed off.” His friends and family are holding out hope that John will wake up.
Whatever state John is in, we can all come to agreement that he’s one of the lucky ones. Rest easy, John.