Written by: Robert Timmler

March 2021 Horoscopes

Aries: An Alien will land in your backyard and ask for a Redbull, but you will only have one left in your fridge. Just give the alien a can of Redbull.

Capricorn: A guy named Roger will offer you a deal you can’t refuse. In the end, you will have to fight off giant ants and zombie dogs on top of Mount Rushmore.

Virgo: Today’s music class is wet with emotion, Virgo. The owl sees at night.

Taurus: Try and find your faith-instilling baoding balls on the railroad tracks. Which railroad tracks?

Libra: You will slip on a patch of ice and smash your iPhone screen on the Red Cedar Trail. Good thing you bought AppleCare. 

Sagittarius: You will receive a large sum of money from your great grandfather after discovering an original Slip-in-Slide prototype drawer beneath his desk. Enjoy the adventure and don’t get too slippery. 

Scorpio:  A sudden blackout will cause you to run into a wall and stub your toe. That hurts, boo. Boil yourself a yam or two and get back on the horse. 

Ophiuchus: The lady in the lake will give you an enchanted baseball bat that will make you the official ambassador of the New York Yankees. 

Aquarius: You will come back as a vengeful ghost after being killed by a mugger. Your new superhero name will be the spirit of vengeance. 

Pisces: You will find an ancient artifact in a box of Cracker Jacks, giving you the power to always arrive on time. Time is a valuable thing. Time grows plants but also kills everything in its path. 

Leo: Fight off an alien invasion?…. With a box of cereal, a hammer and a bar of soap? Yeah right. 

Cancer: You will begin receiving an endless supply of moose soup cereal. We hope you enjoy it! Because when you’re done, there’s gonna be hell to pay. 

Gemini: You will have to travel through a wormhole–probably different planets and universes, too. In the end, Earth will be ruled by apes with Homo sapien pets.