Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You’re going to plan to complete every assignment you fell behind on throughout the semester and not do a single one.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’ll dye your hair pink so you can look ~different~ only for it to wash out before we even return.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool ex-fiancé Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple months ago told me that you’re spending campus shutdown by begging him to take you back. I don’t think he should.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’ll plan ten Tinder dates for when you come back to campus and not go on a single one once you return.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): After insisting that you’re not going to leave the house, you’re going to hold yourself to your word despite extreme, crippling boredom simply because that statement will have become a personality trait at that point.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’re going to start approximately ten episodes on Netflix and not finish a single one.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You won’t see your roommates in weeks because you’ll be in your room crying over The Haunting of Hill House… again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will spend approximately 50 percent of your time staring in a mirror and the other 50 percent playing yourself in the Sims.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You’re going to lock yourself inside for three weeks, and you’re going to love every second of it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You’ll spend the entire three weeks trying to choose between the twenty different snacks you hoarded, not ever being able to choose.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Sigh.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You and your roommates are going to have a massive fallout over the last roll of toilet paper.