Cam “Soul Calibur VI” Parrucci –
Aries – That full suit of armor you purchased won’t protect you from your closest friends talking about you behind your back, but at least it looks cool.
Taurus – A major power shift will happen in the office when you come in with a “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug, causing your boss to combust.
Gemini – Your sense of self-worth will grow exponentially when you spend your entire paycheck on a donation to make a Twitch streamer say your name.
Cancer – You will be crowned the true Lord of Dance at the next party you attend, after dabbing for 14 hours straight.
Leo – Remember, not all of us can be a hero like Goku. You, unfortunately, are more of a Yamcha.
Virgo – Your stamp collection will find true value long after you’re gone, by helping your great-great grandson buy his first car.
Libra – Along with eating your dollar, the next vending machine you run across will also consume your soul. We don’t know why or how it will happen.
Scorpio – “Kick! Punch! It’s all in the technique!” will be written on your gravestone after a major confusion at the funeral home.
Sagittarius – A lucky break is coming your way! You’re going to find a real $1 million bill on the ground. The problem is finding a bank that will accept it.
Capricorn – Clean your room! Drink more water! Take some time out of your day to relax! No jokes here, folks.
Aquarius – You will learn the true meaning of love when your crush shares a playlist they made for you, featuring the Star Wars Cantina song over 700 times.
Pisces – You will be the first and only person to discover a living Megalodon, after it swallows you whole.