The Scopes!

Cam “I Demand Attention” Parrucci –

Aquarius: You will be haunted by the ghosts of all of the socks you’ve lost doing laundry over the years. You’ll never get a good night’s sleep again!

Pisces: It may be the middle of winter in Wisconsin, but bees will begin showing up in your room for the rest of the year. You shouldn’t have left that Pepsi out!

Aries: Fill that void in your life by getting really, really into ski ball. Become the best ski ball player in the tri-state area!

Taurus: Remember, your confidence issues are the only thing preventing you from being the true lord of the dance. Dance, you coward, dance!

Gemini: Normally, secrets are never a good thing. However, we recommend keeping the fact that you drink your roommates milk every day close to you.

Cancer: A troubling realization will hit you when you realize that you have neither one in the hand nor two in the bush.

Leo: A Spring Break mishap will result in you getting a one-way flight to Jerusalem where you’ll become the impromptu leader of a wallet-swiping street rat gang. Mazel tov!

Virgo: Your dreams of becoming the pilot of a giant mecha robot will come true! You will still not earn the respect of your peers and family.

Libra: With all this political unrest around building the border wall, take solace in the fact that your opinion won’t change the outcome of it either way.

Scorpio: Budget cuts amongst the Zodiac have left all Scorpios without any notable or memorable events happening for the next 50 years. Oops!

Sagittarius: Your ability to solve all of your problems with a bobby-pin and a little ingenuity will not fix the inconsolable need to make meaningful relationships in your post-college life. Good luck!

Capricorn: Having the only room in the house with attic access was weird to you at first, but now you’re the patriarch of some goblins that lived there! Cool!