The Scopes!

Cam “I’m the Kind of Tired Sleep Won’t Fix” Parrucci

Aries: You will never find true happiness. What are you going to do? Cry about it?

Taurus: Despite others saying that your recent gluten-free stunt is annoying, the stars think it’s great you’ve managed to base your personality entirely on being gluten-free.

Gemini: You often find yourself in embarrassing situations, but your magnum opus will be coming soon after an awful Austin Powers impression results in the death of many.

Cancer: Keeping money under the mattress instead of using a bank has always made you feel more secure. Too bad your roommate is a notorious bed thief.

Leo: The stars breathe deep, tomorrow you’ll have the best cup of coffee of your entire life. After that coffee, you’ll contract rabies.

Virgo: Your lack of companionship and loneliness will hold you down no longer when you meet your new pet alligator, Bruiser.

Libra: Budgeting and accounting missteps will lead you to inheriting 51% of shares of a Fortune 500 company. Because of this, you’ll become the new CEO of Costco. You still have to pay for membership.

Scorpio: Your pranks have gone too far, Scorpio. Karma’s going to hit you fast and hard, be on the lookout for anyone in a yellow suit. You know why.

Sagittarius: Your passion for the arts will finally come in handy when a local butter sculptor quits halfway through his butter masterpiece, prompting you to finish what he could not.

Capricorn: You’ll uncover a breadcrumb trail of secrets leading you to the location where Facebook Minions memes are created. Proud of your work, you’ll be elected their leader.

Aquarius: Although you fall under the Aquarius sign, you’ll find you’re not a very great swimmer. It’s unwise to continue calling yourself the king of wave pools.

Pisces: It’s officially Pisces season! Wear your uncontrollable emotional baggage like a badge of honor for the next month! You deserve it!