Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Everybody does not hate you. Please go take a nap.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): No one understands your obscure Warrior Cats references. Please stop.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool fiancé Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple months ago told me that you’re celebrating Pisces season by playing the Sims 4 in all of your classes. At least you’ll learn real-world skills there.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Everyone, take a shot every time Aries changes majors!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’re the human personification of an episode of Criminal Minds. You refuse to change even when the formula begins to dig you deeper and deeper into the ground.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’re the human personification of an episode of Riverdale. What even are you? Cringey? Horrifying? Inconsistent? Yes.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): I don’t know who needs to tell you this, but projecting all of your personal problems onto your Dungeons & Dragons characters isn’t a substitute for therapy.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your “sparkling personality” isn’t enough to get hired on the spot. Please write a resume.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): People may say that you’re boring, and your color-coded planner would agree with them.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Either you’re the most optimistic of us all, or you’ve already given up all possible hope for your future. I can’t figure out which it is.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): >:(

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Sagittarius is a good sign and the writer of these horoscopes is wrong. Find out more here.

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